Twenty days ago, I pressed ‘send’ on a new journey, and I began walking a very different path towards a different ‘ME’. I decided that it was time for a whole ‘reset’, and that it was time to begin steps towards ‘becoming’ different. You see, all of my life, since I have been 18 years old, I have struggled with various aspects of my existence.
I know now that I have autism, but more than that, I know and realize now that I have been in ‘fight’ mode for the past 33 years. You see, I was severely bullied as a child , by various sources. I also suffered immensely as an adult at the hands of individuals who made me cry on a daily basis. In fact, symptoms got so bad I started displaying symptoms of colon cancer and was even tested for it. Do the math. It wasn’t pretty. I’ve also had to be strong and conquer ‘the system’ when it came to advocating for autism rights and special needs modifications. I had to advocate for seniors rights and for my parents’ well-being and, more recently, I’ve had to fight and be the voice for my husband and for my family when he coded – twice. All this takes a toll on a simple person. I always show you the positive side of things, perhaps to help my own self believe that things are going to be okay, and yet, I never realized how draining and energy depleting that can be. Of course I can’t be ‘well’ if, through these ordeals, I forget to think of myself and run myself ragged, as so many of us instinctively do to help others. We forget about ourselves as we focus on others, yet when ‘they’ get better , they move on and you’re left holding that proverbial empty cup. I’m not complaining, far from it – in fact, I’m forever grateful for all the opportunities which have come and are still coming my way yet, I know that it’s time to slightly alter my walking path, be it a simple element at a time.
A few weeks ago, I woke up feeling like crap. I looked in the mirror and discovered that I looked exactly as I felt – that the reflection was no longer who I was, nor what I wanted it to be. I looked sallow, tired and angry. My eyes were ‘dark’ and lacked sparkle. My skin was flat and didn’t glow and I knew it was time to move towards something different. That morning, I took out my journals and wrote. I then removed myself from activities and individuals who made me feel as I looked, said NO to them, and moved away. They’ve tried to pull me back, but I refuse. I don’t engage and I am moving on. I made a decision to put myself first, for once. I permitted myself to make decisions which made me shine and smile. I decided to finally publish my novel. I decided to fully embrace the teaching opportunities coming up in 2021 when I get to teach students at the Faculty of Education. I decided to journal more, to rest when I need to rest, and to enjoy every moment because it is a gift. I also decided to take control of my physical vessel, and I joined Noom.
I know, you’ll be skeptical and of course, I totally understand this but I’m not here to defend my decisions, but merely to share with you as I promised that I would. The past 20 days have allowed myself to explore just how ‘hangry’ I became when Life hit me with more adventures and opportunities to grow. I realized how I was neglecting to take care of myself on the physical level – and how it was time to make that change. On day One, I was shaking as I sat down with my phone and pressed a few buttons. On day Ten , there was progress and today, twenty days later, I feel that finally, I’m coming into my own. I’m not saying words like: can’t and won’t. I’ve morphed to ‘yes’ and ‘absolutely’. What IF’s are slowly becoming what ‘IS’, be it a simple little success at a time. I’m resetting myself to think of the incredible possibilities coming up. I’m teaching myself to take big goals and break them down to plausible ones and, I’m seeing success. I didn’t plan on this happening – but I’m allowing myself to ‘let go’ of extra weight at the same time. I’m allowing myself to ‘shed’ that protective physical barrier which has surrounded me for so much of my Life. If you know me, you’ll know that for about 10 years, I have been one of the most ‘healthy’ eaters out there but I had to tackle that Mind/Spirit component before I could move on. And so, here I am. A moment at time, I am noticing visible changes in my attitude and in how I ‘feel’ inside. I am slowly beginning to ‘morph’ inside and out, and it’s awesome. I’m scared and I’m terrified, there are so many naysayers out there …. I am becoming my biggest advocate. I’ve become my own cheerleader. It’s time for me to find my inner light again , to transform and reset so that my goal to live a healthy Life until I am 100 years old becomes reality. You read right. I’m going to be 100 years old when I transition. I have books to write. I have conferences to give and a World to travel ( post COVID, of course ). In the meantime, it’s a little more about ‘me’ as I travel the path of Life along with my Family and friends.
Oh and yes, ‘Noom’ works for me – I’ve allowed myself to release fifteen pounds and there will be a ton more. I’ve given each one a title and/or a name, and I am bidding adieu to every one of them in a small journal entry …. I make myself smile: you should do the same .
Have a great day !