It’s December today. The frigid, cold wind blows upon my face, and it reflects exactly how I am feeling at this very moment. I feel frozen in time. This morning, I looked in the mirror, and of course, I didn’t recognize myself. I’ve aged lately – and the glow from my eyes seems to have faded. I’m facing a lot of uncertainty, as well all are – and it’s exhausting. People at work have been on fire, division amongst them as they battle their way through uncharted territories. I blame it on the masks – but the truth is – people’s colors often come shining through in more challenging moments – and they don’t always reflect rainbows — fun fact: it’s not up to me to fix everyone or everything. In fact, I should do less of that – keep my workspaces intact and simply move on – but I can’t. It’s feel that it’s my responsibility to see that people are well-taken care of – even if it means neglecting myself. And it would appear that I have done so. So here I go again – reinventing—re-prioritizing what should and will matter for the next few hours, days and weeks. Life is short – I’ve seen that too often in the past few months – yet it would seem that I have made it to ‘existing’ mode. Tired. Exhausted. Blasée from what is and currently unexcited about what’s to be. I’m smack in the middle of ‘liminal’ space – and it sucks.
When I feel like this, I know that I either decide to fess up or start spiraling down. Truth is, though, I’m not sure I have the energy nor desire to make the journey back up this year. I crave to be left alone, in silence, and not be bothered by taking care of this or that. I’d happily erase myself from this road for a few weeks of absolute solitude and silence. It’s tough being ‘the’ One – ‘the’ person who seems to know what to say and how to say it. My body feels and looks tired. I feel drained. My Soul appears to be floating in time and space – waiting to reconnect with me the ‘authentic’ me . I’ve not yet allowed it to do so – and I feel it’s about to force me to pay attention , so I am listening. Lately, my Intuition is back. I’ve spent more quality time with my guides and Nathaniel than I have in months. I’ve chatted with my parents. I’ve heard their advice and have to date ignored it – but it’s time to change. I need to wake up, shake it up, and move forward if only a small inch at a time.
Lately, I’ve missed myself. I miss laughing at the smallest details. I miss creating art. I’ve simply stared at blank canvases, empty from color and inspiration. Lately, I’ve been visiting my novel and yet, haven’t written anything about my characters. I’m too tired to hold a pen – and when I do, it feels so heavy. Lately …. lately … lately …
It’s time to change …
This morning, I’m drinking lemon and ginger tea. I miss my coffee, but I know that the first step to moving forward is to be hydrated. Simple, but I need to jumpstart my body again because when your physical container is substantial, everything else follows. I’ll take a short walk, shower, enjoy the warm water on my skin as it washes away unfinished thoughts and negative energy. I think I may even bring long bangs back to my ‘look.’ I look and feel neglected. Masks haven’t helped – and I’m hiding behind mine. Time to move forward. It’s time to journal. It’s time to reflect on exciting projects, for I am, after all, alive and ready to tackle the World. But first, I’ll ‘winter’ – as they say. I’ll slowly reinvent myself ( again ), and see where it leads this year. It’s time. I’ve been gone too long, floating here and there – and truth be told, I miss me.
Come back home, Anne. Come back to what makes you vibrate and smile. Come back to whatever makes your eyes sparkle. But first, come back and rest.
You’ve been brave long enough – it’s time now for you.
Come back home … and change that reflection in the mirror.