Conversation with Myself

Conversation with myself #6

Well, dear Anne, I went to bed looping – a term I coined when I think too much. It happens when I spend too much time trying to figure out what some personal or professional outcomes may look like. In my mind, I orchestrate all sorts of scenarios and then, I spin out of control. I’ve heard myself screaming in my own mind: let it go … let it be … and yet, here I am. A 50 year old lady trying to figure things out, one who has trouble letting go and who, quite obviously, still worries about how things play out. I’m not saying that’s a bad thing – au contraire – but what if I intentionally tried to let things actually ‘be’ – and decided to really live in the ‘now’ … ? Or at least make it so a few times during a day.

What if … Here I go again – I’m looping.

Lately, I’ve been annoyed. I’ve watched myself function in an automated way – especially in my professional circles. There are so many rules , so many new dynamics. People are tired and irritable. I find myself being drowned in tidal waves of pessimism and negativity. It’s hard to accept change, and for many, it’s downright devastating. As a human being, I need to remember that we’re all wired differently .We thus handle stresses and obligations in different ways. As an intuitive person , I need to immerse myself in light and like-minded circles so that I do not wake up drained and feeling ill. I notice that when I think of certain events or try to focus on certain elements, I feel like crap. I get aches and pains. My heartbeat rises. My blood pressure soars. It’s annoying and in the end, the only person reaping those negative benefits is myself . People move on, or walk away. I’m too sensitive – they say. It’s a you problem – they mutter. Truth be told, it’s not easy ‘growing’ up and choosing how to handle certain semantics of Life . It requires deep reflexion, admission of my weaknesses and willingness to move on and to let go. I’m there, right now, today.

I picked some cards from my very new deck … the one I received from the Center for Holding Space. I asked a question as I shuffled – asking for insight on what I needed to examine today. I smiled as two of them literally fell out. Trust the liminal space – Trust your intuition. How very à propos. Later today, I’ll sit with those cards and allow myself to see where my thoughts bring me, with these ideas within me. I’ll see what I can do to shift my conscience to another place. I’ll allow myself to imagine where I will be in a few hours , of course. But then, I’ll take a deep breath and just let things actually go where they flow. Liminal space is a tough place to be when you’re a control-monster . It’s time to explore the possibilities. It’s time to smile ( or cry ) and move on – away from the energies that hold me down – and that keep me back.

I love having these conversations with myself , by the way. I’ve noticed that being honest and vulnerable towards their outcomes – is key. I’m my own person. I’ve neglected to honour my ideas and my person for too long. I can’t wait to get to know myself again.

It’s Saturday, Anne. Smile. Have a shower and enjoy what gifts the day will bring.


One thought on “Conversation with Myself

  1. Yes, it is really having the quality of vulnerability. It helps us understand ourselves and others so much better. If only they could hear the way I speak to myself. Looping happens with me as well. It is a reminder that I am stuck on that track…but just for a bit. I like to rest for awhile afterwards. You write beautifully…and I do identify with you at times, stronger than others. Thank you for sharing with me.


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