Conversation with myself #6
Well, dear Anne, I went to bed looping – a term I coined when I think too much. It happens when I spend too much time trying to figure out what some personal or professional outcomes may look like. In my mind, I orchestrate all sorts of scenarios and then, I spin out of control. I’ve heard myself screaming in my own mind: let it go … let it be … and yet, here I am. A 50 year old lady trying to figure things out, one who has trouble letting go and who, quite obviously, still worries about how things play out. I’m not saying that’s a bad thing – au contraire – but what if I intentionally tried to let things actually ‘be’ – and decided to really live in the ‘now’ … ? Or at least make it so a few times during a day.
What if … Here I go again – I’m looping.
Lately, I’ve been annoyed. I’ve watched myself function in an automated way – especially in my professional circles. There are so many rules , so many new dynamics. People are tired and irritable. I find myself being drowned in tidal waves of pessimism and negativity. It’s hard to accept change, and for many, it’s downright devastating. As a human being, I need to remember that we’re all wired differently .We thus handle stresses and obligations in different ways. As an intuitive person , I need to immerse myself in light and like-minded circles so that I do not wake up drained and feeling ill. I notice that when I think of certain events or try to focus on certain elements, I feel like crap. I get aches and pains. My heartbeat rises. My blood pressure soars. It’s annoying and in the end, the only person reaping those negative benefits is myself . People move on, or walk away. I’m too sensitive – they say. It’s a you problem – they mutter. Truth be told, it’s not easy ‘growing’ up and choosing how to handle certain semantics of Life . It requires deep reflexion, admission of my weaknesses and willingness to move on and to let go. I’m there, right now, today.
I picked some cards from my very new deck … the one I received from the Center for Holding Space. I asked a question as I shuffled – asking for insight on what I needed to examine today. I smiled as two of them literally fell out. Trust the liminal space – Trust your intuition. How very à propos. Later today, I’ll sit with those cards and allow myself to see where my thoughts bring me, with these ideas within me. I’ll see what I can do to shift my conscience to another place. I’ll allow myself to imagine where I will be in a few hours , of course. But then, I’ll take a deep breath and just let things actually go where they flow. Liminal space is a tough place to be when you’re a control-monster . It’s time to explore the possibilities. It’s time to smile ( or cry ) and move on – away from the energies that hold me down – and that keep me back.
I love having these conversations with myself , by the way. I’ve noticed that being honest and vulnerable towards their outcomes – is key. I’m my own person. I’ve neglected to honour my ideas and my person for too long. I can’t wait to get to know myself again.
It’s Saturday, Anne. Smile. Have a shower and enjoy what gifts the day will bring.